There's a trigger ticking
at midnight like the heart beats three times while the human ear can
hardly catch a glimpse of two dim blood movements gushing infinite
pulses and waves of life. That's the starting point to what anyone
desires ; anything more than a bit of an answer to the many questions
and whirling intimate statements electrified and hidden to the
audible world. The outside is out there IN our mind desperately
searching for some any other one to attempt to utter the approximate
exact impression as the one felt through the anti-desire to be ONE.
"When I am alone, it isn't me who's there and it isn't you whom
I am staying away from nor any other than myself nor the world. I
can't be the subject feeling this impression of solitude, this
feeling of my own limits and this boredom of being who I am. When I
am alone. I am not there." What's coming to me isn't that I feel
a little less myself but what's behind me, what I dissimulate to
enter to the world. When I feel at the same wavelength as the world
where things and beings are too, the self is deeply anchored and
hidden somewhere.
I am experiencing myself
harder and stronger. I get to prove I can quit drugs and liquor to
better get back at them whether I am alone or not. But the sensations
from these meaningless habit like spans of time remain the same for I
am where other selves and things are, in the world. Yet, I wonder how
the image I feel and experience in time interact with my words and
moving fingers at night when the light from my computer screen hits
my retina and imaginary realm.
I came up thinking motion
and stillness are the extremes that paradoxically animate the
lightning-bolt vectors composing my fractal imprint on and under my
bed sheets... The exact position of my self at night is supposed to
be at ease in principle... Through the night when the eye sleeps, the
day uses the night to actually erase the night. Sleeping belongs to
the world I am entering too when I awake. It is a task as strong and
valuable as the law to which I abide through motion and many
activities such as going to work and all...
Day&Night /
Motion&Stillness / The Imaginary&The fixed image... All of
those well known "duets" ordering the self to interact
between forces it can't help but struggle with when that trigger
wears off to evaporate into solitude and the thinking process thus
initiated. Although there is something I am so eager to write about
(or maybe I just did), the attachment to the world through the
imaginary/conscious and frustrated process of thinking and creating
in daylight and the detachment from the day into the night into a
more concise frame, the body at ease accepting the law from the day
to rest into the night to better detachment the self from the
multiplicity of things and beings around my self. When I sleep, I do
accept that I enter a realm where there is no place, no time but the
naked firm and fixed truth of my body laying motionless actually
decreasing its temperature from not DOING anything but sincerely
resting on the fact that as the day leaves the night alone my self
gets OUT of the world.
I wanna write my book
this way.